There’s been a plethora of male bloggers urging their fellow men to “man up” and start going on dates. Women have been watching from the sidelines, frankly thankful that men are stepping into the fray to coach their ineffectual brethren.
As usual, the denizens of the manosphere have their tighty whities in a twist, shouting “What’s in it for men? Waaah, waaah, what’s in it for me?”
The most recent essay to exhort men to grow a pair is Dear Single Dudes: It’s Time to Man Up by Matt Walsh. Walsh is not urging players to settle down and get married, or moralizing about the responsibilities or obligations of men to women. He’s addressing the fact that his buddy thinks his “whatever” with a new woman is going really great even though he has no idea what it is.
“I left that conversation confused, because confusion is the name of the game these days. Everyone is confused. Being single means being confused. Everyone is so confused that they don’t even know what words to use when describing their relationships.
USA Today did a survey of singles a while back, and they discovered something that’s been apparent for years: nobody has any idea what’s going on in their own love lives. Close to 70 percent don’t know if they’re on a date when they go on a date.”
Walsh isn’t scolding men to date more – he’s telling men who want to date that their strategy sucks. The USA today survey Walsh cites reveals several interesting findings from over 2,500 respondents:
69% of men believe they alone should pay for dates. In comparison, only 55% of women agree.
Walsh isn’t attempting to bully his fellow men – he’s addressing the vast majority of men who actually want to do the paying.
Only 19% believe it’s absolutely fine to date more than one person at a time. Not have sex, mind you – go on dates.
This is a huge shift from dating before 1990, when dating several people concurrently was the norm. (Though having sex was not, then as now.) Most men have no interest in being players.
More than half of singles under 35 believe the practice of texting makes it more difficult to determine whether an outing is a date.
The confusion isn’t limited to one sex. The Principle of Least Interest – the default behavior for much intersexual communication – insures that people are not just confused – they’re afraid to show interest. Walsh is telling men to get up the balls to go after what they really want, because that is just part of what a man does:
“When did men become so afraid to make a commitment, to take the lead, to say what they want, to make long term plans, to set goals, to pursue, to talk about the future?
We are devolving into primates, losing the ability to even discuss our own behavior using words and sentences. The average single American man is now relegated to grunts and shrugs and ‘whatevers’ and ‘you knows’ when pressed to have a conversation about his dating habits. Or his vicinity habits. Or his whatever habits, because whatever, you know?”
Walsh is addressing the masculinity crisis in America today, which is caused in part by the pressure we put on men to assert sexual competence.
Dating blogger Evan Mark Katz featured Walsh’s post recently, and we can see that he too is disinterested in converting short-term guys to a long-term strategy:
“There’s no point in trying to convince a man who doesn’t want to get married that he should or trying to convince a guy who thinks you should sleep with him on the first date that he should court you properly. Just throw those fish back in the sea.”
Like Walsh, Katz is not addressing wannabe alpha males but addressing the vast majority of men who are out there looking for love:
“There is so little competition from men out there that it’s easy to stand out just by being a good guy who takes control, follows through, and does what he says.”
In other words, most of the men who are out there competing for women in order to form committed relationships are so ineffectual at it, so busy “whatevering,” that a guy who has enough self-respect to say what he wants and enough confidence to go get it will clean up. Katz explains how it’s going to go:
“Men who are not serious about relationships are going to bolt for women who have low self-esteem and no boundaries.
…Want a woman to treat you well? Treat her well. Don’t want to treat her well? Don’t expect her to stick around – and if she does, expect that she’s going to be low-self-esteem.
…Welcome to advice outside the manosphere – it’s actually fair and balanced in here.”
Again, Katz is not wasting time addressing the players and their PUA sycophants. He’s stating the obvious – men pursuing a short-term mating strategy must find women pursuing the same strategy in order to be successful.
Which women engage in short-term mating? Here’s a refresher of key facts related to casual sex:
I. Short-term mating is most often practiced by women with an unrestricted sociosexual orientation. They:
Tend to “double mate:” have sex with two different men within one fertility cycle.
Are more than twice as likely to be sexually unfaithful in a relationship, i.e. 50% rate of infidelity.
Are far more likely to divorce.
Are the only women who prefer men with extensive sexual experience.
II. Women with a “fast life” history (meaning they grew up in an insecure and unstable environment with little or no parental support), insecure attachment, and who hold hostile, sexist attitudes about their fellow females typically prefer a short-term mating strategy and engage in frequent, uncommitted sexual activity.
III. 36% of women have ever had a one-night stand.
IV. 10% of women have had sex with someone they knew less than 24 hours.
V. 8% of college women have more than 3 partners in four years. (NCHA, 2010)
VI. 3% of women and 3.5% of men have more than 6 partners in four years.
VII. One-quarter of hookups include penetrative sex.
VIII. Very physically attractive women are more likely to form exclusive relationships than to form purely sexual relationships. But promiscuous women are more likely to rate themselves as hot.
IX. Attractive women are less likely to have sexual intercourse within the first week of meeting a partner.
X. Promiscuous men and women score low in Agreeableness.
They tend to lack compassion and be uncooperative. They are suspicious and antagonistic towards others.
XI. Promiscuous men and women score low in Conscientiousness.
They tend to lack self-discipline, shirk duty, be indifferent to achievement, and prize spontaneity.
For the record, both Walsh and Katz are happily married with babies. They’re pair-bonded males who are dads by nature. Darwinian winners. Neither one is suggesting for a minute that cads or red pillers should start going on dinner dates. (Insert lipstick on pig joke here.)
We all respond to incentives based on our personal preferences and goals. Traditional dating holds no allure for men who seek to avoid commitment and tally sexual conquests. Neither Walsh nor Katz suggests otherwise. It’s actually very useful to women when a man refuses to buy a cup of coffee before sex. Such a timesaver!
But remember what Scott Barry Kaufman said about the fatal flaw of Game:
“Men who go for the alpha male ideology often fall victim to a selection bias in regards to their perception of women: because the women who are attracted to them are less stable and more promiscuous, they come to believe that all women are “skanky” and “crazy.”
At the same time, when these men try their dominant pick-up techniques on more well-adjusted women, their hostility and narcissism creep the women out, and cause them to turn these guys down.”
To those men who aspire to manwhore status, I suggest the following strategy:
Be top 10% in looks. Don’t be unattractive!
Approach only the most promiscuous women. (Beauty is only a lightswitch away.)
Be mean to attract women with unresolved childhood trauma.
Troll bars for drunks.
You’ll need support – any red pill blog will provide active communities of fellow men with low success rates.
For those of you who do want the real thing, Walsh has good advice for you:
“I’d been floating like aimless debris through an ocean of cloudy intentions and half-heartedness, until I grew up and realized that romance isn’t a game, and most women aren’t frivolous bimbos. They want men who know what they want and aren’t afraid to verbalize it. And if they don’t want that, then they aren’t worth your energy. Get out now. If she still wants to pretend she’s in tenth grade, let her live that fantasy with someone else.
With Alissa, things were pretty clear from the get-go. We had a relationship. A real, live relationship. A few months into it, I proposed.
…And, yes, I get it. Our disastrous modern approach to dating (or whatever) isn’t all the fault of men. But there’s no point in parceling out the blame. All you can do, single dudes, is get your own selves together. Take the lead.”
Quality women want to earn commitment from quality men. Make us work for it by all means. We can’t do that if we don’t know that you’re on the same page and willing to lead.
Every single happy couple I know under 35 got together and went all in without playing a single game or wasting time acting clueless. Make things clear from the get-go.
Have you had experience with “whatevering?”
How do you distinguish between the cads and the clueless?
Why are men the ones who have to communicate a willingness to commit?
What can women do to earn commitment from quality men?